Friday, February 13, 2009

Missing my Baby

It is mid way through February and we are almost finished with all the paper work that is required to request a child from China. I can't believe that it has been four and a half months since we started on this paper chase. It was good for me to do it through the holidays because I have definately been focused on other things and not just the adoption. I am hoping that by the beginning of March we will have our Dossier (paper work) in China. Then comes the hard part for me...the wait. Now don't get me wrong, I know that we will not be waiting as long as most people do. I know that there are people on the non special needs list that have been in this process for four years! And I know that many others will wait MUCH longer to find their child. For me, I am ok if I feel like I am "doing" something. The paper work has been easy for me because I am organized and I felt as if I was accomplishing something. After the Dossier goes to China, my part is finished and I have to just wait on the Lord for the rest. I have gotten better about this in my life, but I am nowhere near perfect in the patience area. I do have a peace that we will find Ashlyn when the time is right. God has already written this story and I can do nothing to alter the timing of His plan. His timing is PERFECT. So I hope with this knowledge in my heart that the time will not bother me so much as I wait to see my little girl's face for the first time.

Being a mom to four bio children and knowing a mother's love for her child, it is a strange feeling to love someone who you know nothing about, except that she was made for you and your family by God. I don't love any one of them more than the other, it just amazes me how much I already love this child who God has put in my heart. This is definately much harder to me than pregnancy. Harder on my heart I mean. When I was pregnant (and I always have rough pregnancies physically), at least I knew that my child was growing well and I could feel them and attach to them. I have nothing with this "pregnancy" except what God has given me emotionally for this child. I do believe that God has given me a little of His love for her in my heart. I am not worried about her well being because I know that He is protecting her and taking care of her. I do miss her terribly! Sometimes I just want to look at her sweet face. We always wonder what our children will look like when we are pregnant. Well, I find that I want to know that more with this child, probably because I don't have the attachment of physically feeling her move. Also knowing that I am missing out on part of her life is not an easy pill to swallow...for any mother. I think that hurts the most. But these children do not belong to us, they are God's. And He is with her. It is not me who can do all for her, it is Him alone. I have to know that this is what He has always had planned for her life and accept that I am just a part of her life that God chose to give her. I pray that I can be all for my children that I need to be, so they can grow to be the people that God needs them to be in this world.


Karin said...

I totally understand missing a baby you have never met. She is blessed to have a mama on the other side of the world who is praying for her every day. Before long, she will be in your arms!

Gretchen said...

Thanks for all of your kind words, Karin. They mean a lot.